Have you ever felt like you failed as a parent? If so, you are not alone!! Today I had a conversation with a young boy's mom in my life. His age is in the 4 to 7-year-old range. This mom told me that she thinks that it may be too late and that she “failed” at being a mom. This breaks my heart. As a mom to a 17-year-old young man, I can honestly say that I have felt this way many times in my life as a mother. There are more proud and exciting times than defeated times, but I have felt defeated, just as this mom did today.
First, let me say something my husband has said to me in the past. “If you care enough to even think about whether you are a good mom or not, then you are a good mom. A bad mom would make excuses for herself and not care.” In my opinion, I absolutely agree with him. My conversation was short with this WONDERFUL mother. I explained to her that I could not give exact remedies to help because I am not in the home, but I can give general strategies that can help in the home. In this particular case, I did know a bit of the background, and there was some uneasiness in the home between mom and dad for a bit in which the child is repeating some of the things said during that time when he is upset.
I want to be clear on this and say that it is normal for us to bicker with those we live with at times. None of us are perfect, and we should not set our children up for unrealistic expectations when they get into their own relationships someday.
I think it is important that they see us make mistakes and even more important for children to see how we handle those mistakes and move forward in life, using them to learn. In this relationship, mom and dad hit a rough patch. Some things were said that were not showing their best sides, and the little man heard some of them. This is something that, although may be inappropriate, happens to US ALL and is a part of life. What is important is how we handle ourselves afterward.
I know in my life and those that I know well, after the fallout, with the words that should not have been said, we most likely make up with that person and move forward. What we do not realize at times is the little person that heard it all and did not see the tears, apologies, and conversation on how to move forward in a better manner. This is where we need to ensure we are setting the example. What are we teaching when we react to things we do not like? We are showing our littles how to react the same way when there is something they do not like that we do. I am all about positive behavior support, but I am also real regarding parenting. When there are no cameras at home, you are comfortable and yourself more than anywhere else in your life…. We sometimes allow our emotions to get the best of us. I believe we cannot expect parents to practice positive parenting at all times. Parents are human beings as well and have their own feelings. Who acknowledges our feelings when we are touched out and exhausted?
Perfection is unrealistic, but WE MUST TRY OUR BEST to be good role models. When we react to things, we teach our children how to react. We set the example. We are the teacher, whether we want to be or not. What happens when I lose my shit because nothing went my way today, everyone is crying, work sucked, the kids want a blue popsicle instead of red, and I just need ten minutes of silence, but I can't get it????????? Does this make me a bad mom because I yelled and cursed and maybe cried or said something that was mean?
NO NO NO NO NO You are allowed to be perfectly imperfect.
Just as we offer our children grace and forgiveness and hope they can learn and do better the next time, we must give ourselves the same. It is important to know that perfection as a parent is unrealistic. Take a few deep breaths and know it is not too late and you have not failed at being a mom!!!
How can you feel better about moving forward? What are my recommendations?? Sit down with your little human being and let them know that you messed up!! Be an example of someone who can admit when they are wrong. Provide them with an alternative behavior that you should have displayed or that would have been a better choice. Let them know that they are seen and heard in the family home, that they matter, and that they do not have to hear or deal with our shit just because we are their parents. Ask them how they feel and if there is anything you can do to help them. Last, if you are arguing with someone, show them that you can apologize and move forward stronger together.
Perfection as a parent is unrealistic. Perfection as a human being is unrealistic. We all have emotions, and I truly believe that is a part of the human experience. Not taking accountability for your actions is unacceptable because of those emotions. We may not be proud of “losing our shit” at times, but all behavior has consequences. If we show our little humans how to apologize to those we hurt, that we see and hear them and their feelings, and move forward working together as a family (even if it is a single parent and a child), then we can prevent them from displaying the behaviors that they saw us display during an emotionally stimulating time. We can also show them to be forgiving, more aware of their own behaviors, and make them feel like what they think or say matters in the family unit, building confidence, emotional intelligence, and independence.
If you took the time to read this... You’re not a bad parent… you legit listened to me ramble and give advice because you care!!! So if no one told you… you’re doing the best you can with the tools you were given. Each day we can only continue to be better than the day before. If you need some advice... I am here!! Reach out!
-Tara
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