Hello!!! I know it has been a while, but I have been busy busy busy building my business! This is an insane process and not for the weak... BUT I LOVE EVERY SECOND of it hahaha!!! OH.. and I wrote a book lol.
Anyways, I had a conversation with a few people this week and it was requested that I do a blog on how to increase WANTED behaviors. Usually, we all talk about decreasing the behaviors that we do NOT want to see instead of focusing on the behaviors that we want to see. This is where behavior change gets stuck a lot of the times. This is due to motivating operations, satiation and deprivation, the negative effects of punishment and extinction, and lots of other fancy shmancy terms and principles. Today though.... I am going to break it down in plain English (with my Philly accent of course...lol).
I know I personally do not like it when people tell me what to do.....
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!"
To the point that I made it a whole ass page in my book.
So, why would I think my child, or anyone else for that matter, does not feel the same?? When we are constantly focusing on the things we do not like that someone is doing... when we are constantly complaining, correcting, and nagging... it does not create an environment where our "learner" is going to be very motivated to do what we want them to do.
So... you may say... "Tara, if my constant bitching and yelling isn't working. Then WTH do I do?"
To that I say...
FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIORS THAT YOU WANT TO SEE!!!!!!
Let me give a bit of a background. Do you like compliments? Do you like when you do something and you get a reward of some kind for it? How about when you get a new outfit or sneaks? What about when you make a dish and everyone raves about it? DUHH!!!! These things make us legit GLOW!!!! Tell someone that they are pretty and watch them light up. Tell someone you love what they did and watch them walk with their head held a little more high.
Why are we walking against the current here? Punishing and screaming and yelling and expending all of this energy on tell our "learners" what NOT to do...at the top of our lungs.. when we can just give a simple directive or correction, with a simple consequence if it is not done, and a REWARD for when it is done!!!
I know, I know.... your parent didn't reward you for doing chores.... guess what?? MINE DID!! You also get rewarded for going to work every day....it is called a paycheck... So don't give me any shit about it not being real life.
Just like if you do not do your job, there are consequences. Just like if you do your job, you get paid. You can treat your "learner" the same.
Focus on the behaviors you want to see. Choose a beahvior that is the appropriate form of the inappropriate behavior. How should they behave in order to "earn" whatever it is...iPad use...phone...tv time...money... etc. Make something that they love something that they have to earn!!!!
Be clear about the behaviors that you do NOT want to see. Make sure the "learner" fully understands what it is that they should not do WHILE also making it clear on WHAT behaviors you ARE looking to see.
IF they earn OR if they don't earn... FOLLOW THROUGH!! We give when they earn and we don't when they didn't. Are we arguing over the iPAD and screaming when you came home with a bad school report again? No!!! We are not.
"You have a chance to earn it back tomorrow. You knew the rules and it was YOUR responsibility to follow them to earn the item."
Last, choose things you like, outside of the wanted replacement behaviors for your child and give rewards randomly for appropriate behaviors. We do this a lot for babies as they learn new things, but as they grow we stop giving as much excitement and verbal praise. Try to add more to your routine and watch your child light up from the random praise they get from you. Be specific... "I really like how you....." and it will help them to know what you like that they are doing and how to get that praise more in the future.
Listen.... all of this is situational of course... but these are the basics that I have seen work in my EVERY DAY management of behaviors. If you need more assistance, please reach out and I will try to help make it more specific to your situation to help!!
TOKEN SYSTEMS are friends for your child...chore charts.. etc!!!!! Great way to earn!!
tmiller@lotusabaservices.com if you have any questions!
Great being back writing!!
-Tara
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