Today we are back with some parenting tips!!!
I want to talk about a POWER STRUGGLE!! One of the most common barriers to staff and parents carrying out behavior interventions that I have encountered is the power struggle.
I am going to be honest here and say that I completely get it. It is important for our children to listen to us because we want to make sure they are safe and doing the right things. We all want them to be the best that they can be. As a parent/caregiver, we believe that we know best. While that may be true most times, they are their own person AND if we work with them a little on the things that are not so important for safety, they will be more likely to listen to us when we are serious. For example, I’ve got a lot of judgment in the past because my son will, what some may consider, talk back. BUT, because I listen to him and talk things through with him when he does not agree, he knows that when I say no, I mean it. So taking the time to talk some things through and possibly even explaining why you made that decision, will help to keep the rapport/relationship strong between you and your child.
There are many different tools to battle a power struggle, but my favorite specific tool is to GIVE CHOICES.
When we are in a power struggle, no one wins. It could literally go on forever. Instead, you can take a step back and compromise. How do you do this without giving into what they want and losing your follow-through and consistency?? You do this by giving your child choices of things that you find acceptable. For example, you can tell them that what they want is not possible, BUT they can have (A) or (B). This will force them to compromise as well, but makes the child feel as if they gained some of their power back, while you still keep control as well.
I have worked with clients who are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), which is a constant power struggle. At times, you can say go right and they will say go left. So then you say okay, left and then they say okay right. They just want to be in control of the situation. The tool of giving choices has been such a great way to allow these clients to keep their power, while having them comply with the demand I placed. One example is having the client get off of their game. Instead of saying “Get off of the game, it's time for bed”, I will direct caregivers/parents to say, “It is time to get off of your game, but if you would like to stay on a little longer, you can have 5 or 10 more minutes.” Clearly, you would say this knowing that the client will pick 10 minutes, but 5 or 10 minutes is acceptable to you and offering it allows the client to feel as if they have a choice about when they get off of the game. This is an example of how you can use GIVE CHOICES as a way to prevent problem behaviors.
Remember in a prior post that we spoke about how important it is to keep the relationship strong so that the child will WANT to work for you? In a power struggle no one wins, so why not let both sides win a little bit and keep the positive working relationship intact?!!
Try this out and let me know how it goes! If you would like to talk more about anything that you find in these posts, sign up on the events page by RSVPing to the event for June. You will get an email when I am going live on Instagram @lotusaba. Also, follow us on Instagram for Behavior Tips and more!!
Stay Tuned for more with Grief and ACT late this weekend/early next week! We will be talking about the Present Moment and how we can use it.
-Tara
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