Last week we talked about why “they” are not listening to you. We learned that this is because there is a lack of instructional control and that consistency and follow-through are key to bring about behavior change. This week we are going to expand on this further!
You will NOT work for someone and give your best if you are not happy with where you are and/or who is placing those demands. Just think about it, if your best friend asks you to do something that you do not like, you will do it. If someone you do not like asks you to do something, you will be less likely to do it. “Who cares if they are unhappy, I don’t like them anyway.” This is why it is important to build a relationship with those who work with you, for you, or in any situation where you are in a place of authority.
Ready for the fanciness?!! The lack of instructional control is due to the lack of rapport between the instructor and student.
Rapport is also known as pairing in the Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) world. Pairing is one of the most essential pieces to building a positive working relationship (aka instructional control). This may already be happening in your life and you do not even realize it. For example, your child may go to another setting and completely change their behaviors. Or, you may ask your child to do something and they will not do it, but when the other parent asks, they do it immediately. Let’s not forget that this may be because of lack of follow-through in the past, but it can also be because you need to make yourself a positive reward for the child as well.
This is basically relationship building. Parents are busy; they have a lot of responsibilities and most have multiple children, with careers, a house to run, etc. DO NOT feel guilty if rebuilding the relationship with your child needs to happen. The fact that you are taking the time to even read up to this point shows how much you care about your child because you are looking for tools to help better your relationship and bring out the best in them and yourself.
Let’s finish with some tools that you can use to help you all move forward and build/rebuild your relationship with your child.
1. Catch your child doing good things and let it be known. I am talking annoyingly excited over everything that they are doing right! Smile when they make you happy, change your voice to a sweet voice, and be behavior specific. For example, “OMG Joey!! I just seen you share your toy with your brother. Mommy is so happy and that was so nice that you shared your toy!! Great Job!!!!”
2. Take time to listen to your child actively. I know, I know... when they tell one story for 25 minutes and you have a TON of things to do, it can get soooooo frustrating. I remember being like “OMG, when will this story end?” I do not care for whatever video game you are playing right now, BUT I am going to sit, listen, learn, respond, and ask questions. This will build your relationship because you are spending time with the child doing what THEY love! Block out some time each day to do this if you are having trouble with behaviors. Again, behavior specific praise is important. Keep the praise high during your time with the child, make sure you tell them exactly what you like, and make sure they have your undivided attention. This can even be pre-scheduled and anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour.
3. Did I mention Behavior Specific Praise?!!!! Only a every tip includes it!! That is because it is SOOOOOO very important. How can anyone know for sure how to make you happy if you do not tell them?!!! Typically developing adults have issues figuring out if their behavior is accepted and making others happy and need verbal reassurance as well. Think about a child or a neurodiverse individual (child or adult), they will have even more trouble figuring out social cues at times and will need assistance to know what you like and do not like. Tell others what makes you happy, what you like, what you would like to see again, and make sure they understand it.
By using these tools and pairing them with follow-through and consistency, we can help to increase the likelihood that others will work with/for us. This could mean a professional relationship, parent child relationship, or any other type of relationship.
As always, these tips will work with your “they”, so replace child when needed with your “person”.
TRY THESE OUT and comment to let me know how they are working out!!!
Comentários