Hey friends! Today we are going to discuss why “they” are not listening to you. You can decide who “they” is in your life!
Side note: Little fact about Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), it can be used on any living thing! How cool is that?!
“They” do not listen because there is no FOLLOW THROUGH!!! It is very important when implementing any behavior change procedure to mean what you say and say what you mean!! If you continually say things and do not follow through with them, your words will begin to mean nothing.
And when I say nothing, I truly mean it. The next thing you know, it will not be just that situation, but “they” will not listen to anything that you ask them to do.
Ready to get fancy?! When someone will not follow what you ask them to do, this is called a lack of instructional control. When we talk about instructional control, there are many different things that come into play. You can think of it as a positive working relationship. The basis is that when an instruction is given, “they” will comply because “they” know that the consequence will be followed through.
Let’s start with a general example; if you go to work for Susan and she promises that you will get paid the first Friday and then that Friday comes and she doesn’t pay you, you may still show up that next Monday for work. If she doesn’t pay you Monday and tells you that she will pay you Wednesday, you may continue to work until Wednesday. Once Wednesday comes and there is no money, you most likely will put your foot down and tell Susan that she can kick rocks until she gives you your money for working. Once she pays you, you may decide to go back to work for Susan again, but you will no longer trust what she says. The positive working relationship is damaged. If Susan did not follow through and never paid you, you would then not trust anything that she says or does and most likely will not have a working relationship with her at all.
It is the same with “they”!!! “They” won’t listen because you do not follow through with your consequences. Whether it is a reward or something taken away, CONSISTENCY is key to behavior change!! If you say there will be a reward for something..... GIVE IT... If you say there will be something denied due to unwanted behavior.... DENY IT!! This will let “they” know that you say what you mean and mean what you say!
I will explain my “they”. I am a mother of a fifteen year old boy, Kevin, who I have to repeat things to 5 times. He has figured out that if I ask him to do something but do not pair it with a consequence, that I want it done, but it is not urgent. If I pair it with a consequence, he knows that it has to get done or he will deal with the consequence. I follow through with my consequences and I know that if I do not name one, he will most likely give me a run around. Why do I still do not name consequences at times? I have no clue. Maybe I just like to see if he will do it without the consequence, like a game (haha). I love that I have a child because I believe it helps me to be empathetic and understand that we all give our children a little more leeway than most people in our lives and it is hard to put your foot down every time, all of the time.
So what is the take away??? Be consistent, follow-through, mean what you say, and say what you mean. It will take some time for “they” to realize that you are now sticking to things you say, but “they” will get it.
Let me know your thoughts on this follow through and how you can apply this post to your life! Who is your "they"?
I am guilty of not following through with consequences or even giving positive reinforcement. I absolutely need to apply this at home with my kids.
This is my daily struggle with Brayden. He just does not want to listen. He likes to do what he wants to do, and getting him to do what we ask is an exhausting task. After reading this, I had to sit myself down and ask, Do I ever follow through with what I say? Do I mean it? And I thought about all the reward systems we use for him, and we very rarely follow through. That made me so sad to really think about. We‘ve been in this gray area where we sometimes feel like he may be struggling with ADHD, but also think does he just not do things because he’s never had consequences. And, now thinking…
Very interesting to understand the "whys" behind our behavior. Looking forward to more insight😄
Well said... it can be very frustrating to have “they” not follow through after several times. You gave some good insight that I will be using going forward. Thank you!